Today was difficult. I saw Ian in the afternoon, after much prodding and procrastinating I didn't miss the bus. :hide:
Our last three sessions I've failed to show for partly from being so ill (in A/E) and partly out of anxiety. Been hibernating alot lately.
We spoke alot bout the Kennedy's today, and the shadow my grandfather has cast over the past two generations - his own kids and his grandkids. I wanted to vomit and or pass out most of the session. My anxiety shot through the roof and I could barely breathe. It makes me so mad at times to think what that man (Pops, granddad) has done... I can forgive him what he did me - but the others?*sigh*.... :ashamed: We talked bout the ED too, and went over some options. I didn't know how to tell him I'm cutting again. There seemed to be too much circulating around my mind I just didn't know where to begin telling him. I feel so disgusting, we spoke a little about what my granddad still does and his capacity to control me. Or atleast effect my behaviour so strongly... We're taking a week break - annual hols for him, and sometime to get used to the fact that someone knows what a dirty little b*tch I am... :ashamed: Why do I still allow myself end up in these situations? :scream: I'm gonna maybe track down my CPN tomorrow as well as get on top of the bills.... Bout time I came out of hibernation before the electricity is cut off.....  I'm up to 61....*shudder* | 
However more has happened - more has changed. 